Abuse in relationships.. Most end because one or the other gets bored and rethinks their earlier decision to pick this person as their mate for life. But some go wrong, and very sour indeed, and often end too, because of being badly treated by their spouse.
As figures stand right now approximately one woman a week dies as a result of being physically abused by her partner. But while we tend to assume it is always a man hurting a woman – especially when violence is involved – it can also be the other way around. Every month or so a man actually dies as a result of physical abuse by his woman. There have been some well documented cases of this with the man also feeling embarrassed and ashamed to
tell anyone of his abuse because people tend to assume that as the man is physically stronger it is impossible for this to happen. But there are cases where the woman in the relationships is stronger or the man simply hates the idea of hurting her back or defending himself and sometimes the woman
will push the man down the stairs or some other act which is actually quite cowardly and where she takes advantage of an opportunity where strength
is not needed but maybe surprise gets the upper hand!
Those who have never been through abuse in relationships will tend to be impatient with the victim and tell them to leave but sometimes this is easier said than done. If there is a child or baby involved in the relationships or they have nowhere to go and no support or money what do they do? It is all very well telling them to run but run to where? And using what as a means to get through life? Then there is the love element where some victims
actually still love their partner despite their behaviour, I would argue that in a way they hate them and love them at the same time and there is a bit of the Stockholm syndrome going on where the partner is playing good cop bad cop through the whole process.
But think of the other ways a person can be victimised by their partner without it seemingly being obvious, at least insomuch as they are not covered in bruises and scars and do not end up in hospital. Some will be verbally put down and criticised, others will be be bullied by words. Ordering them about and being snappy with them is a form of it. It might just be their partner's personality but they still end up being hurt by it and if they are not careful they get used to it as if it is normal and acceptable. Other people might be present when it happens and they might laugh or tell the victim not to be so angry or upset when it happens, yet it is unlikely they would feel that way if it was them being hurt by it, especially in front of others!
My advice and probably the advice of any online agony aunt let alone the best online to anyone who is trapped in a situation with a person where they find it intolerable and wish they could leave but cannot is to take things slowly and plan a way they can improve their life in the future. That advice is very much the same as you would get from a new age life coach advertising on an unexplained mysteries forum or an experienced clairvoyant.
This might mean getting a small part time job and hiding away all or at least some of what they earn to use when they go, they might need to save for a deposit on a flat or even just a room, they might need to make sure they do not get pregnant because if they did that would make things very difficult or impossible. I have
known of cases where the woman has hated sex with their partner and the partner has only wanted to get them pregnant so they would be totally
trapped and unable to leave. The best thing to do then, if necessary, is to take the pill behind their partner's back rather than allow him to entrap her
more. This might seem deceitful and far fetched but it makes a lot more sense than allowing oneself to end up being caught in that trap for many more years or forever and remember that the partner is not being fair so why should the victim? Once you find yourself with a dishonest or selfish person
then the rule books fly out of the window and it is every man or woman for him or herself.
The flaws with this black and white advice is that once you are in relationships with someone you are unhappy with and who tries to abuse you then you tend to lose confidence in yourself and start to believe them when they put you down. You can also feel that you are worthless and unable to get another. There is a lot a to be said for having a job and not relying on others for money and material possessions as this makes it far more easy for you to do what you want and not rely on others. It also gives you confidence. When you are at home and the only person you spend a lot of time with is abusive it eats
away at you gradually and as time goes on you feel less and less sure of yourself. From the outset when you get into new relationships it is a good idea
to make sure that you have independence as well as the new relationships. It also means that you do not have to ask them for money or for permission
to spend money or feel somehow inferior to them.
It is also easy to fall back on the idea that you love them and they love you despite their behaviour – this, of course is nonsense because nobody who
loves you would abuse you. But you do not want to admit to yourself that you made a mistake and you hate the idea of revealing this to others
so you live in a fantasy world where you hold onto the idea that they do not really mean it or they will somehow change and become nice one day. If
you wait for them to change you will be waiting forever. If you really believe that despite treating you abusively they love you then you really are
dreaming. You are the one who has to change things because they will not, they like things as they are.
