Undeclared by Ellie LaCosse

Heath couldn’t stop himself from wanting to smile. Oh, he would have laughed if he could, but then people might thought him devious, and really that wasn’t what this was about. Not when he laid eyes on the beautiful boy on the red sofa at the after party. It was only getting started. All those somber individuals talking trash about theater and where they were going. Nowhere, at least Heath was certain of. And if it wasn’t enough, everyone had something to say. All those actors. Moody. Emotional. One man shows. It was down right delightful not to meet an actor.

Why hadn’t he seen him before? He didn’t dare ask. More snickers from his league that patroled for new blood. And they would have asked, “Well, what of you and Andrew? Isn’t that set in stone?”

Heath had to keep his wits about him at the party. He’d smoked far too many cigarettes as it was, and Andrew would have told him his nerves were shot. Maybe they were, but he was away and Heath wasn’t under his thumb at the moment. And, and there he was. Like a scared little lamb.

Heath was sure of it. Brand new. The freshest of the Freshman. Not doubt. Heath couldn’t help but stare. A part of him felt as a vampire with a victim within his reach. He could imagine his lips on his. It was waiting to happen. But then he scared the poor fool to death.

“You are 18, aren’t you?” Heath saw him nod. “And your major?” Didn’t it always happen this way at a party? Someone asked you about your major. Lameo crap.

“Undeclared.” Awesome thought Heath. He must have meant to have said that. And the blondie had set there staring at Heath’s card with his name and number. He didn’t shred it into bits and throw it back in his face. It was settled. Maybe he’d get a call back. Just maybe.

Heath wondered around in the dark of the party after that. Catching glimpses of him from time to time, but not another encounter. He didn’t want to look as if he were…possibly desperate.


It was very late when he got to the all night diner which was more of a hen’s fest than anything. He met up with Wyona who was acting rather aloof. She was dating no one at the moment.
All her online lovers were on vacation, perhaps.

“You mean you didn’t get lucky?” She finally smiled at him with her rich red lipstick still in place. She looked like a golden age Hollywood starlet. All she needed was a cigarette, and Heath could give her one if she wanted.

“Do I ever?”

“You have Andrew.” She looked at him disappointed.

“Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.” Heath fumed. “Everyone acts like he’s a god of some kind.”

“He’s head of the drama department, how lucky can you be?” She brushed her silky black chin length hair behind her ear.

“Its not perfect.” Heath was a bit pouty.

“But you’re such a good wife.” She grinned.

“Stop it.” Heath winced. He didn’t like that word.

He was going home to an empty house which he was so happy about. He wanted to be gone before Andrew got back. If he had the will, he would. He should, but he knew he wouldn’t. It was as if it wouldn’t be a home without the fighting.


Heath woke up to the smell smoke. His t-shirt was almost on fire.

“Shit! Shit! Shit!” He jumped up from the bed and flung the t-shirt over his head and on the floor. It was on fire. “Fuck! Fuck!” He screamed then, stomping it out. He was still in his thick black boots.

He saw himself in the bathroom mirror then across the way. Even if he were still in Andrew’s bedroom. His black hair was standing straight up. It looked so pathetic and beyond Elvis. Evidently. He remembered the beautiful boy’s blond hair. It was real, and he was the kind of real that had no idea he was even beautiful at all. If only he’d call.

He wasn’t. Heath knew. He got in the shower and decided to dye his hair. He knew a thing or two about going from black to blond. Of course, four hours later he was wondering what went wrong. He called Wyona finally.


“You should have called me when you first wanted to do this.” She looked at him disappointed.

“You’re right, but you would have talked me out of it.” Heath reminded her.

“So true.” She nodded, combing his green mess with her fingers. “I shall fix it.”

“Don’t take too long, I’m expecting a call.” He lit a cigarette then. It was breakfast.

“Heath, you are just asking for trouble,” she told him.

“I live for trouble.” He smirked.

“Sure you do.” Wyona smirked back.

“Just fix it. I have this weekend coming up, and I want to be ready for something spectacular.” Heath closed his eyes then, imagining him as someone else with that beautiful boy. Somewhere far from here. Far from Andrew.

Of course, it took the rest of the day to get his hair platnum.


By Thursday Heath was back to his old self. Blond though. The house was in tip top shape. He could have shown it and had buyers for it. God, he hated housework. He worked out too. Trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative. He had to remember he was in his last year at the University. He had the future to look forward too. It was all coming to an end. This thing with Andrew. There was a time he felt as if Andrew and everything he ever wanted was here and now it was fading. It was time someone else took over as Andrew’s boy, and it would not be that beautiful boy that Heath was dreaming about.

Of course, at the party, this Nick(the beautiful boy) was doing his best to be so not part of the program. But Heath wasn’t giving up hope. There was something about him that just made Heath think he might call. He might. Heath was praying that he would.

And then just before dawn on Saturday morning. It happened. Nick called.

“What changed your mind?” Heath wished he hadn’t wanted to know. “Sorry. Its just a surprise. You know, to hear from you.”

“Yeah, I guess I thought maybe-“

“Maybe I’ll see you at Starbucks as soon as it opens.” Heath smiled.


“What? Is that too gay for you?” Heath winced.

“Starbucks is fine.”


Well, it wasn’t perfect. Nick wasn’t quite like he remembered. His nose was wickedly bruised. Of course, it pained Heath to see him that way because after all, he knew exactly the exruciating pain he was in. He’d been there a time or two himself. Well, a lot. He just didn’t like seeing himself in Nick.

Still there was more to take in even if Nick was sitting there like a bump on a log. Obviously, he was on something. Under the influence of something. So they sat there looking at each other as if nothing would happen. What a waste of time.

But then Heath found himself spilling over how he wanted him to call. How he couldn’t wait to see him again. Only Nick looked like shit. What was he suppose to do with that? And Nick’s story was so lame. In the bathroom with his roommate’s girlfriend. At the party. Really? What was that about? Really, could he trust him?

Yet Nick was ready for something. Something. It was as if he wanted to know what it was all about on a Saturday morning. Usually, things like this were after dark. Possibly the wee hours of morning when one was so drunk they could hardly stand up and everything was so undone. But here Nick was wired on caffiene, looking so not himself, going back to Heath’s place.

“What do you want to do?” Nick acted as if he were hungry. Possibly. Yet they were bumping into each other. Really, Heath hadn’t planned on so much daylight. They would just find each other in the dark. It would be something mysterious and amazing. But there Nick was looking at what was on the walls of the livingroom. A game of 20 questions.

Lie.Lie.Lie. That’s all Heath could do.

“Of course, its my place.” Heath told him. After all, he had to be somebody. Not just anybody. He poured him something with vodka, but Nick didn’t want it. It was as if he wanted to be apparentely awake for everything.

“Well, then.” Heath stared at his honey brown eyes, for some time. Trying to get past the bruised nose. He touched Nick’s chin who immediately resisted.

“What are you doing here?” Heath looked at him frustrated.

“I dunno.” Nick shook his head. Nick looked so sad. He suddenly lunged in to a kiss as if to get it over and done. Heath fell back. He thought his upper lip might be bleeding.

“Not so fast.” Heath stared at his eyes. So sincere yet uncertain. Heath kissed him slowly then. His tongue touched his so delicately. They stayed that way for a moment. It was something to savor. Heath thought he might get teary eyed.

Heath pulled back finally and knew then that he was Nick’s first guy kiss. He couldn’t help but smile.


Heath put on the Best of David Bowie then. They could improvise. Put on a show. Sing to their hearts content as if they could be rock stars. Then it was time to jump on the bed. Such fun. In the air. Stupid shit that just made you laugh out loud. Things that Andrew never let him do. Honestly, Heath just wanted to forget the seriousness of it.

Finally, Heath’s head rested next Nick’s on fluffy pillows on the bed. Just some time to catch their breath. And in the stillness he heard his heart beat, and he’d never been quite so happy as he saw Nick smile. He laid there almost in a sweat. The lights on. But it was clouding up. Possibly a thunderstorm on the way. Something turbulant flowed through his veins, as well. As if this was the chance to take. Heath turned off the lights.

“Why did you do that?” Nick said a bit breathy.

“I like it dark.” Simple as that. Wasn’t it?

“But I wanted to see you.” Nick told him.

“Its not that dark.” Heath removed his shirt then as if Nick had asked him too and the rest of his clothes. Nick just watched.

Heath slid under the cold covers quickly as if Nick would have to find him. He waited. Finally, Nick got up the nerve to do it. Heath wanted to ask him what he was thinking about, but suddenly Nick shucked everything as if he were going skinny dipping and dived under the covers.

Heath wasn’t sure he wanted to be the one who had to show him. Everything. And then Nick touched his abs as if he needed to know he was there, and Nick kissed him as Heath had shown him. Heath was certain he’d burst with happiness. Nick’s hot flesh on his. It was so inviting. Nick’s touch. A yearning to know it would be the best.

He couldn’t. There was an ache inside him that told him he wanted this more than anything. To be with Nick. But just not for now, but for good. Some way. Some how. Heath gritted knowing he knew he had to do the right thing.

“You know what to do, don’t you?” Nick simply asked.

Heath bit his bottom lip.

“Sure, I know.” He just wanted Nick all over him. Couldn’t it wait. It could wait. “But we don’t have too.”

“Isn’t it what you asked me over for?” Nick let go for a moment.

“Yes,” he barely said above his breath. Heath kissed him back hard as if maybe it would tell Nick to go away. Did he want him to be a monster? He knew what a monster was suppose to do. He lived with one. “You won’t like it.” Heath slightly scowled.

“But I like this.” Nick told him.

“Me too.” He’d never been with someone who just wanted to touch him so. He kept kissing Nick as if to forget what he’d ask of him. He hated to tell him it was worse than everclear for the first time. It might make him sick. It might ruin him for life. And as much as it hurt, he didn’t want Nick to become him.


What do you think?

Written by Cait


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *



Beneath the cherry-tree