The last two days have been hard and frustrating. To be honest they have been a royal pain…….
I have had enough of packing, storing, organizing and functioning like a robot. I am done being practical, calm, accommodating and mindful. I am tired of watching my ‘p's and ‘q's. I am tired of doing the right thing. Saying the right thing. My heart is raw and ugly. It stifles me…..
I have been sitting in self silence (right now this word exist for me) watching and observing my emotions move from one of calmness to a slow dark ugly anger. It has been brewing slowly like coffee that has been sitting on a stove top for days. It has become thick and its texture is almost gritty like. The color is that of black and burnt coffee does not smell pleasant! I am filled with that ugliness and muck.
I have no patience left for the ‘IF'S and BUTS' in my present journey. I seek answers but NOW. I want them this instant. I long for permanence and I know this goes against my yoga philosophy. There is no such thing as permanence except death! My feelings are sharp like a knife and raw like a wound that has just been open.
I am being strangled by my own ugly anger. It has slowly creeped into my system and taken control of my senses. What I seem to have worked so hard for has disintegrated into fine dust. I have refused to see the rainbow on the other side. I see nothing but darkness and feel nothing.
Tired of picking up the pieces and putting them back together. Exhausted from re starting yet another journey. Sad from not fulfilling my dreams and heartbroken from leaving my kids behind. Scared of living a life so unknown to me.
I am not looking for sympathy. I am being as honest as I can about my emotions and how I am feeling. After all I am human. I feel, think, have dreams and desires just like everyone else.
I want to ground my feet some where and feel that connection of stability and warmth. I want to be held and told that all will be fine. I need to hear those words of comfort and love. Not judged……