The importance of a first impression can’t be understated. When you sit down for your first date with someone at a nice restaurant, the next step of impressing your date is deciding what food to order. This is a rare early opportunity to show them your tastes, so here are some things to keep in mind that will have them ordering seconds – of you!
1. Order Off the Kid’s Menu
Show them that you are someone who sets healthy boundaries for themselves – that portion control is important to you. You respect your body. You give it what it needs, but no more. A tendie or two, or perhaps plain buttered noodles are all you need to satiate your sophisticated bird tummy. Also, if they don’t mind, ask for crayons so that you can draw on the tablecloth.
2. Put On a Cute Little Bib
Once the order is placed, demonstrate to your suitor that appearances, while not everything, are important to you. Wrap a little itty bitty baby bib around your neck, so that your children’s food does not spill all over yourself once it arrives. Your date will be taken aback by the standards with which you hold your body to. Your body is a temple, and it is maintained thoroughly.
3. Grab Your Server Real Quick and Ask Them If They Could Get You a High Chair
Relationships are, at their root, a dynamic struggle for power. If you are not on top at all times the relationship is not healthy and should more often than not be ended. A great visual way to demonstrate power is by sitting in a chair that is higher than your date. Businessman do this to their desks and Trump did it on The Apprentice and he only does smart things. From this point onward, your date will subconsciously register you as someone with influence, with power.
4. When The Food Comes, Eat Half of It, Say You’re Full and Then Play Fortnite on Your Phone
Now that the server has returned with your meal on a Disney’s Cars plate, it is time to eat half of it and then push it to the middle of the table. You do this not to be rude, but because the different parts of your meal touched one another and that is icky.
All mature, healthy relationships involve breaks from conversation in which both parties can indulge guilt-free in their alone time, and dates are no different. Seeing as how you filled the entire date thus far with conversation, feel free to now enjoy playing Fortnite on your phone. If having someone across from you staring at you as you do this makes you uncomfortable, just get up and go somewhere else.
5. When You Are Finished, Have Them Burp You
You do not want to spit up on yourself, so politely get up from your seat, mount your date, and have them burp you over their shoulder onto a small rag that you have had in your pocket this whole time. The intimate touch you two share will create a powerful bond that will bring you both closer together. Also baby gotta burpy.
When they get up and politely say they would not like to do this again, cry so fucking loud.