That day I was watching ‘Boston Legal’, and heard Shore saying, “We are just trying to be relevant here”.
Few days’ back someone had asked me, isn’t there a page ‘about me’.
Both these two statements took away my night’s sleep. I looked around myself, I thought, is my existence relevant? How do I define myself? Who am I? or rather what am I? What is ‘about me’ that is relevant? Does relevance means being useful to others?
Days are passing by and I have no control over the time. Slowly I am becoming stagnant and everything is moving past me. The world around is getting too fast for me and I am still clenching to some old principles, values that I have grown up with. Am I really getting irrelevant along with my age?
I made an attempt to understand what my relevance is?
“I wrote down my name, qualifications, age, hobbies, likes and dislikes, my job, salary, my family, friends etc. But, Is that all? Does mere qualifications make me who am I? Do the name identify who am I? Does a marriage, a child, a girlfriend, parents, friends makes me relevant? Or just a promotion, a decent job, a luxury car makes me relevant? Does all my relevance or existence is created by the people and objects around me or there something more to it.
I realized they don’t define me, nor they make me relevant. Of course it does make me relevant for them, but not for myself. As I was much more than mere name, qualifications, a job or family”
May be my feelings define me? So, I tried some of them ….
“I feel like crying when I see a kid lying under the sun without any shades and almost without any clothes when his mother is sweating herself carrying bricks, just in order to have food in the night? That I feel helpless when I see people being trashed and beaten even when they are protesting peacefully? That I feel pity when I see couples sitting in a garden looking at each with unsaid desires in their mind, and not free enough to even touch each other. That I feel helplessness when I see people asking for bribes wherever I go. That I feel jealous when I see undeserving people rising in life and spending money in useless things, when people around them are drying of hunger. That I feel helpless when older people stand in the bus, and younger ones didn’t even bother to offer their seats. Well, there are much more things that I feel ….
Sometimes I am extremely introvert and I prefer being alone. Sometimes I am extremely extrovert and prefer partying or social gatherings. Sometimes I feel like loving, being loved. Sometimes I hate the word love. Sometimes I expect things from others and sometimes I don’t expect anything from anyone. And things go on …. ”
But, is that all? Does that define me? Even that does not make me what I am. Then what I am ?
I thought “as I am growing older, my priorities are changing. The things which were fun at one point of time, have started losing charm, and now can be termed as boring or worthless. Now, other thing interests me, though, soon they will become ‘boring’. But then, somewhere I heard, everyone is a child from within, only difference is as we grow older we learn to behave and restrict our child within ourselves. Have I also learned too much in this society that I stopped expressing myself? Have I learned enough to restrict my thoughts and behaviors, just to please someone or the other?”
Why can’t I be like Alan Shore and just be relevant for my own sake? But, How can I? When I have the web of expectations, relationships, love, societal norms etc. crossed around me so much that I can’t even breathe for my own sake.
Again, then who I am? What makes me relevant ?