What next? Argh. Don’t you just hate that question?
I Got into Media College based on a decision I made during the last term of school. But that kind of easy last minute decision-making is not going to do it this time and I know that for sure. One year from now, I will be done with college and then what? What do I really want to do? I fear the answer is “ I’m still thinking about it and I’m going to figure it out through the course of next year”. But that answer is no more valid I hear.
I walked into mum’s office today and asked her “What do you think I am going to do after I am done with college ma?” and she stared blankly at my face and said, “I don’t know, I have to think about it…” I finally picked myself up and asked her “amma, are you okay with me studying anywhere outside Chennai, within India?” Somehow I expected her to say “of course, its your decision” but she said “I need to talk to your dad about it, give us tonight and I will tell you tomorrow.” I said, “okay” with a face that I was trying so hard to keep happy. I also told her about the colleges I had in mind. And she said “okay I will get back to you.” and then I asked her “amma what if you say no and that I cant study away from here..? I need to find alternative colleges here also right?” and she turned to me with a look that I interpreted said “exactly that. Go figure tha t out”.
I walked out of the room and walked up the stairs, got into my room, put my bag aside and lay down on my bed and then slowly I began to realize that I was crying. I don’t know why, but I’m guessing it is that feeling of uncertainty that comes with youth, as people say.
All of a sudden being clueless upsets me, especially for a girl who decided to celebrate her confusions, as she had time. And time is what I don’t have right now. I was up until today never afraid of a blank page, but do I still feel the same way about blank pages, not knowing what to write about or what to write further? Questions are easy, answers are difficult. I am so desperately trying to give myself answers and just when I seem to be on the verge of finding something, my blood people don’t quite see what I see. Ironic right? Actually…no. Pathetic is the word for how I feel. Especially since all my friends know exactly what they are going to do after college.
Going with the flow was and is never my type. I believe in “prepare and fight head on” but I failed at what I believe in. I am not prepared and I don’t know what or whom I am fighting. Is it the pressure of turning 20 and racing towards adulthood that I am terrified of or is it the want not to disappoint people? Is it the feeling of growing into something that I have only seen other people become? I don’t know. All I know is I hate change and I hate having to grow up.
And all of a sudden I wish I was peter pan, who was young, is young, and always will be young. Forever.
AAT media college