Tamed

I sat there with my broken phone on the table. Where there was a beautiful five-inch fancy display and a beautiful pair of lips carving a smile as the wallpaper, only the marble of the glass and teeth of smile remained.

I wondered if it still worked, whether I could check the status of the flight.

The flight! “What’s the time?” I tried to shout, but only a whisper broke.

“Oh, you’re up.” The nurse said passing a glass of water. 

I gulped it in one go and asked “Yeah. Can you help me with the time?” I asked again, this time in a more stable voice. 

“It’s 8.” She replied looking at her wristwatch.

She must’ve landed a few minutes ago. I thought. This was my chance to see her. Now that I’m here and she’s landed I won’t be able to meet her. The strange things universe do to fuck you up, I smiled.

What if I left home late today? What if that car suddenly didn’t brake? What if I did not pass out at that exact moment? What if I did not meet with the accident today and what if she was coming any other day? 

But all of those things did not happen. What happened was me breaking my phone and passing out on the highway while going to the airport to meet her! Now she’d never know that I came. She’d never think that I still cared. She’d never be aware that this was the day that I was waiting for years. 

[1]

“I cannot play with you.” the fox said. “I am not tamed”

“What I must do to tame you?”

“You must be very patient,” replied the fox. “First you will sit down at a little distance from me – like that – in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit closer to me, every day…”

It was that time of the year when rain and winter found solace in each other. The raindrops pierced through the fierce winter as if somebody was spray painting the whole city. The temperature rose below to a record level. Families took out their room heaters which were catching dust in some hidden corners of their houses, and bachelors turned to Old Monk as a replacement for their post-meal beers. 

When all the town was busy finding the cold, who knew that I’d find my remedy just across the corridor!

I met her in the elevator one day. I was coming late from office. The rains made it even harder to glide through traffic on my bike. It was near midnight when I got to the under-developed society of ours. From the exposed bricks and the machines, I managed to slide my bike to the parking. All the hassling and rustling of traffic made me sweat. I removed my helmet and unzipped my jacket to let the cold breeze kiss my soaked shirt. I got the lift and that was the first time I saw her. 

She was standing there holding the door for me. She must’ve seen me parking my bike. I saw her from the corner of my eyes. She was not the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen. But that spark that she had in her was inevitable. Dressed in a black jacket and jeans, hair cut short and the office tag that hung around her neck made it evident that she too was a victim of the corporate rally. 

“Thank you.” I passed a smile. Still gazing at her eyes which were tired but glistening. She reminded me of those days when it was summer around these part of the world. I know that is a terrible way to define someone’s beauty. But she reminded me of the dessert in this defining cold and rain.

“Which floor?” she asked with a fancy smile. 

“5th” I replied. 

She pressed the button 5 on the keyboard of the lift. The doors of the lift closed. I wondered will she not press a button for her own floor?”

“You’re also going to the 5th one?” I asked. The lift already started moving at that time. 

“Yes,” She said. “I just moved to 504 yesterday.”  

“Great I’m at 502. Just across the corridor.” I replied, holding onto that smile. 

She tried to say something, but before that happened, we were interrupted by a bashing sound. And the lift stopped in between 2nd and 3rd floor. The lights turned off just then. 

“Shit!” I exclaimed. 

She took out the phone from her pocket and turned on the flashlight. The dark elevator turned white in a go. 

“What now?” She asked. 

“I think it’s the thunderstorm outside. The fuse must be out. And in this hour I don’t think anyone would be able to help!” I said. Frustration clearly visible on my face.

“Is there network on your phone?” She asked me to check.

“Nope. Yours?” I asked. 

“No.” she shook her head.

She was as shaken as me, but all the worries were inside, her face was still lit up.

Maybe it’s the flashlight or the rain outside, or that little mole on her left cheek, but I noticed how beautiful she actually was. 

“Don’t we have any option but to wait?” she asked. 

“I don’t think so.” I said shaking my shoulders.

“So wait it is.” She said and sat on the floor in a whoosh. I followed the lead. 

What followed is a not so eventful night at the elevator. But in the morning when we finally got rescued from the elevator, we were two persons in awe of each other. We talked about films, music, art, celebrities, the galaxy, football, relationships, love, destiny, the moon in the cloudy night and thousands of other things for the whole night. But when we got out, no single drop of exhortation was on our faces. We were fresh as the morning breeze that followed the rainy cold night. Before yesterday we were two people in the sea of people.  To her, I was nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And to me, she was nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But after that night she was the fox that I wanted to tame and I was the boy that she looked from the corner of her eyes.

We watched the blossom of spring, we felt the scorch of the summer, the humidity of rain, we felt the breeze of autumn and before we knew the next winter was here.

We were so entangled in each other that it made it impossible to separate us from each other. We spoke less, listened more. 

It was one of those nights when the rain and the winter find solace in each other. Just like the night we met. The one difference was this time I had someone to find solace in too. And instead of the lift, we were stuck in other’s body. 

“Winter should officially be awarded as the season of the lovers,” I said, carving words on her bare back while she tried to guess them. 

“What?” she giggled. 

“Yes. Have you ever thought how romantic it is?

It’s so cold outside that people don’t want to leave their houses. Think of them who sit in their homes and doesn’t have anyone to snuggle with. How painful it must be to be alone in the winter? Don’t think that just like their breath vapor that floats into the air and dissolves into nothing, their life is incomplete. It’s meant to be spent with somebody close, somebody dear. 

I feel lucky to have you now. To be with you. To hear the songs that you like, to make you read the books I adore. To spent days dreaming and night capturing your essence.” I said still carving.

“You and your idiotic romanticism…” she replied chuckling. But before I could realize I felt a drop of warm tear on my chest that she rested her head on. Then I felt another one, and soon a rain of tears wet my chest. I did not say anything for a while.

She could understand the letters I was carving on her back. I did not have to say them, she understood. 

After a while, she said, “I’m in love with you too.” I wiped away her tears and kissed her on the forehead.

That night also we talked about a lot of things – stories, career, distance, closeness and I promised her that I’ll send a song to her every day after she falls asleep so she could start day with something I adored and so would she so that I could start my day with something that she is fond of. 

That night we fell asleep after a while or so I thought. I woke up early in the morning to find her gazing me at my sleep. Her eyes, still teary, her hair, still short, and her face, still unbelievably beautiful. 

My parting eyes made her face light up with a smile so bright that for a moment I thought the sun rose from the wrong direction for a day.

“Good morning!” said the sunshine. 

“Good morning!” I said. 

[2]

“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course, you’ll hurt me. Of course, we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence means accepting the risk of absence.”

After that day, it’s been two years since I’ve seen her. I found out through her flatmate that she went away for an onsite project from the company to abroad that same evening. I tried to catch a hold of her for days. I tried calling, she didn’t pick up. I tried contacting on social media, she didn’t respond. I tried talking to her friends, but all that I could find that she was doing okay. 

At first, the absence of her pierced through a shovel into my heart. It became impossible to live inside the house, the thought of her made my every living breath heavier. It became even harder going out. But the toughest time came with the next winter. It did not rain that winter, but it was cloudy outside. It was colder than any winters I’ve ever seen. For days the town did not see the face of the sun. For months I did not see the face of the sun. 

I just wished I could take back the words. Words are the source of misunderstandings. She warned me before. But I did not listen. I was so in love with the idea of taming the fox that I forgot the most important thing of all. To tame is to set free. To put boundaries of words only meant scaring the Fox away. Thousand times over I thought if only I could take back what was done that night. If only we could just go back to her looking at me from the corner of her eyes and me sitting closer. 

But as the way the universe works, it finds a way to fuck you up. So here went mine. I could not take back the words, but I could have done, I did. 

I sent her a song, each day, for two whole years. 

I waited for the Fox to come back to the stone where we both sat holding each other.

[3]

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

And this was the day I was waiting for years, she was finally coming back. Her flight would’ve landed here at 7.30 and I was ready to the airport by 5, even if it only takes 30 minutes to reach there.

I left home by 6, and in the way I met with the accident that left me unconscious only to find me here in the hospital bed when it’s already 8. 

I lost my chance, I thought. If I got to meet her, I would let her understand the impact of the last two winters. I would let her understand that taming her was an excuse that I played to sit beside her for the rest of my life. I won’t ruin it by strangling the boundary of words with me this time. I would just watch her watching me with the corner of her eyes and light up when I struggle to part mine.

[4]

“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

My tangled thoughts untangled in a go when I got knocked on the door of my hospital room.

I saw what resembled the smile on my broken phone, only brighter, standing on that door.  

And in a single moment, it all made sense. The mysterious way the universe works.  The untaming and the taming. The tears and the joy.

The blossom of the spring, the scorch of the summer, humidity of rain, the breeze of autumn and the chill of winter. 

For after years, I had seen my sun rising. 

The fox was back on the dessert with the prince.

Note: This is a small effort to tribute the master of the craft Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, and his masterpiece “The little prince”. To look at the book in a different perspective.