The Exit Wound

It’s been almost a year since you dumped me out of the blue. And it will be almost 10 years since you first confessed your love for me and to be allowed to just love me. I was free from having to say the same. As I pen these words to you, a thousand words rush through my mind…words we had exchanged when we could not get through a day without each other.

So where do I start? The first day we saw each other? The day we realised that we were soulmates? The day we realised we would always have each other to talk things about? The day we assured each other no matter what we would always be friends? Or the day we realised we were ‘each other’s person’ as they say in Grey’s Anatomy?

Oh, we had a charmed beginning – the intense wonderment at the magic, too scared to believe that love could be like this. The passion – surprising at first and intoxicating thereafter, turning into an addiction neither could do without. Every secret, every fear, every dream, every nightmare was shared. You were the first person I thought of as I woke up and you were the last person I thought of before I fell asleep. Nothing was taboo – we could say things to each other that we both swore we had never told anyone else. And now, possibly never will.

We shared more with each other than with anyone else. You were my person. I was your person.

Fiercely loyal, I believed everything you said and believed in you and love. You soon became the most important person in my life. As you said, I was in yours. In fact, you called me Sunshine. The person who had brought you back from the dark and gloomy place you had driven yourself into. The person who had brushed away cobwebs and allowed light to enter your life again. I basked in being your sunshine.

I will never forget the day you finally decided to call it quits. We had had one of our tiffs over not having enough time for each other and you asked for a break to think things out – you always believed that distance made us realise what we meant to each other. We had been through several such storms and our love always won, as we found our way towards each other. Each time. Every time.

But not this time.

From confessing your love for me, you were now wary of having to say I love you. And even worse, hear the magic words as you once called them! We had come full circle.

You found someone. Perhaps she was always your destination. All the lessons of love that I taught YOU, you used to win her over. “You showed me the power of love”, you used to say. Well, I would have been happy to see that power used on me. But that was not to be.

Instead, it was “I can no longer love you” – words that broke not just my heart, but my soul, my being.

“Did I ask you to love me exclusively?” “Who asked you to make me the most important part of your life?” “Why do you expect so much from me? I have other interests, other priorities and responsibilities in life, not just you.” As I listened to these questions and statements in sheer bewilderment, I realised you were truthful in always telling me you were selfish and would always look after your own interests first. Always and every time.

I still think of us, I still think of you. Do you? I guess not. I still see you around at parties, get-togethers and the like. I see pictures and videos where you look and sound happy. Good for you. I was just a blip in your life. But in mine, you entered uninvited, turned it upside down and then once you had your fill, you just dumped me. Leaving my mind heart and soul shattered.

There are days when I hate the fact that we even met. I wouldn’t be human if that did not happen. But deep down inside, I know that I still love you. I know that there can never be another you in my life. I know that there is no one with whom I connect the way I did with you. I can never love as unconditionally as I loved you.

At times I wonder if I can ever love, again. There’s a dark spot in my soul where you used to be. That defines who I am today. Unable to trust, unable to believe in the magic of love forever. Unable to smile with my eyes. Unable to let go.

Some things are never meant to be. One may wish, one may hope, but life can be cruel.

I had meant the world to you. You often reiterated, “I love you and respect you and adore you but even more than that I worship you for the way you brought color and happiness back into my life.” Words I cling to even today. As I helped you find yourself, you had said even God would not forgive you if you hurt me. Today you have not only hurt me but broken my faith in love and all that is good in life.

You destroyed my life as I knew it, twice over. The Entry wound and the Exit wound, I call them.

I survived. I’m trying to heal.

I live. I breathe. I exist.

I smile. I cry. I exist.

I eat. I sleep. I exist.

I used to be alive.

Now I exist.

I hope your God has forgiven you. It appears he has as I watch you smile and laugh and climb the ladder of success.

I never will.

You can view our entire #LettersToMyEx series here.

Aruna Menon

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