Cartman V.S Butters

Picture Origin - South Park - Comedy Central

866 words

‘Why did you make it a no disqualification match?’ screamed Cartman’s girlfriend Heidi.

‘He hit on my girl, and now he must pay with steel chair shots and thumbtacks stabbed into his back.’

‘Butters was only complimenting my shoes Eric, it was completely innocent.’

‘Listen I know Butters, he doesn’t give a fuck about girl’s shoes okay babe – he was being a full on creep. Now somebody please call Vince McMahon to tell him there’s no chance in hell that Butters will walk out of this in one piece.’

Stan and Kyle walk into the locker room during Cartman’s showboating; they look extremely worried.

‘You need to call this off Cartman,’ pleaded Stan.

‘Yeah he’s right; I’ve never seen Butters this angry before.’

‘So once again Kyle shows just how much of a pussy he is. I ain’t afraid of butters guys. Now somebody please call Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, and tell him that cooking he smells is me roasting Butters alive,’ announced Cartman.

‘Stop with the WWE references Eric. This is not a scripted fight, you will get seriously hurt,’ argued Heidi.

Cartman ignored Heidi and put on his Dr Dre beats; Taylor Swift’s ‘look what you made me do’ blasted out of his headphones. Heidi, Stan and Kyle took this as their cue to leave. 

Cartman started thinking about what his friends told him in regards to Butters being angry; he decided to go down the corridor to peak into his locker room. Butters could be heard screaming from outside.

'ANOTHER!'

Cartman approached closer to the door to spot a mean looking Butters breaking wooden boards with his head - this scared him. A phone starts ringing and Butter's trainer Token answered.

'Hello... Oh wow really, that fat ass is dumber than I thought.'

Token hangs up the phone, and turns to Butters who is still breaking boards with his head.

'That was PC Principal, he says Cartman has requested for the match to be no disqualification - that jackass just allowed you to use any weapons or illegal moves.'

'Token, will you go to my bicycle and collect my stick please,' asked Butters.

'The one with the nails stuck at the end?' 

Cartman had heard enough at this point. He rushed back to his locker room in a panic. He knew he couldn't go ahead with the match and needed to find a way out. 

'So you see PC Principal, I just feel we will be sending out the wrong message.' 

'Cartman, I believe in keeping my word and there's a gym full of people out there who paid hard earned money to see a good old wrestling match.' 

Cartman starts to get teary eyed; he drops to his knees and begins begging. 

'Please, I don't want to do this. I'll do anything PC Principal.'

PC Principal was disgusted at the sight of Cartman sobbing. 

'Okay son, I will take off the no disqualification stipulation. Then at least the ass whooping won't be as brutal.' 

Cartman's entrance was first. He came out with Britney Spears 'hit me baby one more time', and although Cartman was terrified inside, it certainly didn’t show in his entrance. He strutted confidently to the ring without missing any opportunity to pose in his spandex. 
Butters entrance music was classical opera; he made a slow walk to the ring with the hood on his robe covering most of his face - except his menacing eyes.

‘Ladies and gentleman, we are now ready for the main event of the night,’ announced PC Principal to the crowd.

‘Standing in the corner to my left, we have Eric The Crusher Cartman. Now I don’t believe in announcing weight as body shaming is not cool folks, and it’s clear the weight on this boy is not muscle. In the corner to my right, we have Butters The Brute Stotch. Fellas, I want a clean fight as disqualifications are back on. No dirty moves and no weapons.’

Cartman’s eyes started to scroll the gym and he spotted a chair nearby the commentary table.

PC Principal then ripped off his shirt to reveal a black and white referee shirt underneath. He signalled for the bell to start the match. The bell rings.

The crowd start cheering. Butters stepped forwards, but Cartman rolled out the ring before he could attack. He rushed to grab the chair and rolled back into the ring. Cartman held up the chair above his head as PC Principal shouted a warning at him.  

‘DO NOT USE THAT CHAIR. It will be an automatic win for the victim of a chair shot, put that thing down.’

In that moment, Cartman swung the chair really hard and hit himself in the head. The crowd went silent. The intensity that Butters had in his face shuddered away as he was shocked at what just happened. PC Principal picked up the microphone whilst scratching his head.
‘Ladies and gentleman, the winner of the match via disqualification due to an illegal chair shot to his head… Eric Cartman.’

The crowd boo as a dazed Cartman gets back to his feet. He opens his eyes to see Heidi complimenting Butters' shoes whilst stroking his arm.
'God dammit.' 

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