11.18 p.m. : trying to read news articles of the day.. but with intense anger in my head, it is rather too difficult to concentrate. The reason seems too silly- expectations from our loved ones..
I don't usually get this emotional with my brother, with his priorities and his ways. I tend to always support him. Afterall, it is his growing years. I want him to explore life on his own. But then, the big sister attitude in me spills life-lectures over him time and again. I don't think he ever listens to me carefully, let alone trying to understand the gyan. But anyways, I still want to support him, be it right or wrong, I just want to stand by him always.
So today, I got upset over a very petty issue. In the evening when he came home, he looked very tired and sad. I asked him about it to which he answered, "bahut thaka hua hu, nind aa rahi hai aur bahut bukh lagi hai.." (that is, I am very tired and sleepy and hungry).. I left all my work, went downstairs, made him delicious sandwiches and coffee.. and called him.. I thought he would be so happy, as he likes these things. But to my surprise, or not as it is his usual doing, he was still engaged in his phone while eating.. I was talking to him, but he was not. He just made a gesture that he liked it, but then again, was very upset over something. He did not talk or showed any gratitude for the snacks I made. I jockingly asked him to atleast show some thankfulness.. But no! nothing at all.. I kept blabbering and he kept ignoring me. This made me very furious. I don't know why I could not contain my anger at that time. I came back to my room and got very very angry.
Then another thing happened which was not bad at all. My brother wanted a car and papa has just agreed to it. I should be happy because I was favoring him all this time. But no, something else overpowered me at that time. How My brother is always materialistic and emotion less and all.. I don't know but when they both went out of the room, I started crying. I remembered how everytime my brother ignores me and my mother. Mommy wants a jio sim for a very long time, but my brother doesn't have time for it. He has all the time to go pick a friend, to hang out with friends, to go shopping, to play cricket, to window-shop cars, to see stuff online and what not. He will wake up at 5 in the morning for his friends, but no, not for us. Are we nothing?
I may be getting angry and thinking all bad about him. But some things are true. We do get upset when he cannot help us out at one call, when he can do it for himself and his friends.. He take us for granted. Or might be, we have too much expectations.. I don't know what it is. It is hurting me now to think that he will not get up if I ask him to switch off the light, but if a friend calls him, he will go miles.. (P.S. Switching off a light and helping a friend are not even comparable. Its in my head to just feel bad for everything today!)
And about today, it was not that bad, but I made it look so bad. While my brother thought I was kidding about gratitude and all, and came to me later to ask me if I was upset over something. He explained to me how he himself was upset over some college thing at that time. But I could not control my anger. I blabbered very tough words to him which are not even true.. It hurt him badly.. Now we both are silent, though not in our heads..
He is only 20, and in his college.. Its not his fault.. How can I forget how he is "Yaaron ka yaar" which I love about him.. How his college life is amazing which I am so proud of. How happy I feel that he is doing what I had never done.. Amidst all this, sometimes, he might not be able to handle it all.. He might not balance family and friends all the time. He might get tired and expect us to leave him alone at times..
Knowing all this, why do I expect so much from him. Don't I know that he loves me a lot? Does he need to prove it every time? I make judgement so easily that I am ruining our pure brother-hood..
How nice would it have been if I had just ignored him. I could have maturely handled the situation and could have anticipated some other problem troubling him at that time. I could have given him some time.. but no, I stretched it too much.. Damage was now done..
The thing is, If he is not mature, I should have acted mature.. After all the things I preach, I should practice them when in need..
While thinking about all this, I can totally get it how expectations overpower us.. ruin moments, and relationships.. Smaller things that don't even matter, make us so smaller in our thinking and behaviors.. I am not proud of my behavior today, and we are still not talking. Things will be all-right in some time, but it was not a good thing that I did today. Expectations overpowered me and ruined times that could have been so much better......Original link
I don't usually get this emotional with my brother, with his priorities and his ways. I tend to always support him. Afterall, it is his growing years. I want him to explore life on his own. But then, the big sister attitude in me spills life-lectures over him time and again. I don't think he ever listens to me carefully, let alone trying to understand the gyan. But anyways, I still want to support him, be it right or wrong, I just want to stand by him always.
So today, I got upset over a very petty issue. In the evening when he came home, he looked very tired and sad. I asked him about it to which he answered, "bahut thaka hua hu, nind aa rahi hai aur bahut bukh lagi hai.." (that is, I am very tired and sleepy and hungry).. I left all my work, went downstairs, made him delicious sandwiches and coffee.. and called him.. I thought he would be so happy, as he likes these things. But to my surprise, or not as it is his usual doing, he was still engaged in his phone while eating.. I was talking to him, but he was not. He just made a gesture that he liked it, but then again, was very upset over something. He did not talk or showed any gratitude for the snacks I made. I jockingly asked him to atleast show some thankfulness.. But no! nothing at all.. I kept blabbering and he kept ignoring me. This made me very furious. I don't know why I could not contain my anger at that time. I came back to my room and got very very angry.
Then another thing happened which was not bad at all. My brother wanted a car and papa has just agreed to it. I should be happy because I was favoring him all this time. But no, something else overpowered me at that time. How My brother is always materialistic and emotion less and all.. I don't know but when they both went out of the room, I started crying. I remembered how everytime my brother ignores me and my mother. Mommy wants a jio sim for a very long time, but my brother doesn't have time for it. He has all the time to go pick a friend, to hang out with friends, to go shopping, to play cricket, to window-shop cars, to see stuff online and what not. He will wake up at 5 in the morning for his friends, but no, not for us. Are we nothing?
I may be getting angry and thinking all bad about him. But some things are true. We do get upset when he cannot help us out at one call, when he can do it for himself and his friends.. He take us for granted. Or might be, we have too much expectations.. I don't know what it is. It is hurting me now to think that he will not get up if I ask him to switch off the light, but if a friend calls him, he will go miles.. (P.S. Switching off a light and helping a friend are not even comparable. Its in my head to just feel bad for everything today!)
And about today, it was not that bad, but I made it look so bad. While my brother thought I was kidding about gratitude and all, and came to me later to ask me if I was upset over something. He explained to me how he himself was upset over some college thing at that time. But I could not control my anger. I blabbered very tough words to him which are not even true.. It hurt him badly.. Now we both are silent, though not in our heads..
He is only 20, and in his college.. Its not his fault.. How can I forget how he is "Yaaron ka yaar" which I love about him.. How his college life is amazing which I am so proud of. How happy I feel that he is doing what I had never done.. Amidst all this, sometimes, he might not be able to handle it all.. He might not balance family and friends all the time. He might get tired and expect us to leave him alone at times..
Knowing all this, why do I expect so much from him. Don't I know that he loves me a lot? Does he need to prove it every time? I make judgement so easily that I am ruining our pure brother-hood..
How nice would it have been if I had just ignored him. I could have maturely handled the situation and could have anticipated some other problem troubling him at that time. I could have given him some time.. but no, I stretched it too much.. Damage was now done..
The thing is, If he is not mature, I should have acted mature.. After all the things I preach, I should practice them when in need..
While thinking about all this, I can totally get it how expectations overpower us.. ruin moments, and relationships.. Smaller things that don't even matter, make us so smaller in our thinking and behaviors.. I am not proud of my behavior today, and we are still not talking. Things will be all-right in some time, but it was not a good thing that I did today. Expectations overpowered me and ruined times that could have been so much better......Original link
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