Picture Origin - It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - FX Network
800 words
12:36 pm
On a Thursday,
Philadelphia, PA
Frank runs into Paddy's Bar with a plastic bag in his hand and appears out of breath.
'Gather round guys, I got some news.'
Charlie and Mac are sat on the bar stools thumb wrestling each other, whilst Dennis and Dee are behind the bar trying to kill a spider. They all ignore what Frank has just said.
'Can you get this over and done with, I mean jesus woman you been trying to kill this thing for an hour now.'
'It's one clever little bastard, it would outsmart you Dennis.'
'You both suck, and so does Charlie who's about to get his thumb pinned 1,2, ... Arghhh!'
Charlie bites Mac's thumb.
'Oh it's a no disqualification match, didn't you get the memo?' screamed Charlie in Mac's face.
Frank stands on a bar stool and raises his voice.
'Guys, there's a new bar opened up down the street and I overheard the owner bad mouthing Paddy's Bar about how we are easy competition and not considered a threat in any way.'
The gang seem outraged by the news.
'What? That is some A grade slander,' declared Dennis.
'Yeah, let's challenge them to a thumb wrestling competition,' suggested Mac.
'In a cage match!' adds Charlie nodding his head back and forth.
'I got a better idea,' Frank announces with a sinister smile on his face, whilst taking out a carton of eggs from his plastic bag.
'What? We going to cook them an omelette?' asks Dee with a puzzled look on her face.
'Shut up Dee you silly bitch, what Frank is suggesting is a good old fashioned egging. Let's go show them just who really sucks,' Dennis concluded.
The gang are stood outside the new bar which has that brand new look to it; clean windows, a door handle in place, the sign fully lit up. Mac reads the bar name out loud.
'Green Eggs & Ham,'
'Green eggs? Who the hell wants green eggs? There's no point egging them now, they'll probably just enjoy it the sick freaks,' said Frank in anger throwing the carton of eggs away.
'Didn't that famous doctor write a poem about green eggs and ham?' asked Mac.
'Yeah, I'm sure it was Doctor King,' replied Charlie whilst pulling on the window frames and being impressed they didn't come apart.
'Yes Charlie, the great Doctor King enjoyed many things like dreaming, but green eggs and ham didn't quite make that list. Can you believe this guy?'
'Dennis is right - it wasn't Doctor King - I'm pretty sure it was Dr. Dre,' informed Mac.
'Oh, you don't think this bar is ran by black guys?' whispered Dee.
'No, I saw two large women unload the drink supplies earlier,' explained Frank.
'Oh a bar ran just by women? Right we need to fuck things up for sure now and I got a plan. I remember hearing a story about how a serial streaker kept running into a bar, and it caused nothing but bad publicity to the point that they had to relocate,' discloses Dennis.
'Okay I got this one,' announced Dee.
The rest of the gang let out a synced groan of disgust at the thought of Dee doing this. Charlie takes off his top.
'Right, I'm going in.'
Charlie strips away the rest of his clothes and runs into the bar whilst the others stay outside cheering him on. A mother walks by with her 3 year old daughter and enters the bar.
'Oh that's outrageous, you would never catch Paddy's Bar allowing toddlers in,' said Dennis in disgust.
Another two mothers walk by with their children, and enter the bar.
'What on earth is this place?' asked Mac.
As one more mother walks by with her child, she is stopped by the gang.
'Excuse me Madam, do you feel it's right to take your child into a bar?' Dennis asks in a confrontational tone.
'A bar? This is a day care centre,' explains the mother as she continues walking towards the door.
'Frank, you said you saw them unloading drinks,' states Dee.
'And bad mouthing us,' inputs Mac.
'Well I did find it odd that it was juice boxes and milk cartons that they were unloading - and I just made up the crap about bad mouthing us because I wanted to egg the competition - you losers would never join in otherwise.'
The mother has reached the door by the time Frank finishes explaining. When she opens the door, she lets out a loud scream because a naked Charlie runs out.
'This is the weirdest bar I've ever seen guys but we gotta get the hell outta here,' screams Charlie as he keeps on running.
Police sirens echo the street. The gang run away whilst hurling abuse at Frank for getting them into that situation.
The End. Original link
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