Witnessing a child experience deep sadness, especially the profound grief of losing a loved one, instinctively pushes many adults towards one goal: making it stop. We want to fix the hurt, dry the tears, and restore the smile as quickly as possible.
Phrases like "Don't cry," "It will be okay," or "Let's think about happy things" spring readily to our lips. While rooted in love and a desire to protect, this instinct to shield children from difficult emotions can unintentionally send a harmful message: that their sadness is unacceptable, something to be hidden or rushed through.
Matt Cary's sensitive book, Thunder Clouds and Rainbows offers a vital counterpoint to this instinct. It gently but firmly asserts that feeling profoundly sad, scared, and emotionally unstable – described vividly as "your insides are like Jello" – is not only natural but okay.
The book does not shy away from the discomfort of grief. Instead, it invites children and the adults who care for them to sit with these feelings, to acknowledge their weight, and crucially, to "embrace the thunder." This phrase becomes a powerful metaphor for accepting the difficult, often frightening, aspects of grief rather than fleeing from them.
Why is this acceptance so crucial? Childhood grief is complex. Children may not possess the vocabulary or emotional framework to articulate the swirling mass of feelings within them – the deep sorrow, the anger, the confusion, the fear of abandonment. When adults rush to minimize or distract from these feelings, children can internalize the idea that their emotional experience is wrong or burdensome.
They might learn to suppress their tears, put on a brave face, or feel ashamed of their vulnerability. This suppression doesn't make the grief disappear; it often forces it underground, where it can manifest as anxiety, behavioral issues, physical complaints, or difficulty forming healthy attachments later in life.
Validating a child's sadness means acknowledging it without judgment. It means saying, explicitly or through our presence, "I see you are hurting. This sadness is big. It makes sense that you feel wobbly like Jello inside. It's okay to feel this way. I am here with you." This validation is profoundly different from fixing.
Fixing implies the emotion is a problem needing a solution. Validating communicates that the emotion itself is a valid, understandable response to loss. It tells the child they are not broken for feeling this way; their feelings are a testament to the love they shared.
Thunder Clouds and Rainbows beautifully illustrates this through its central metaphor. The "thunder" represents the loud, scary, overwhelming moments of grief, the intense sadness and fear that can feel all-consuming.
The instinct might be to tell the child not to be afraid of the thunder, to hide from it. Instead, the book reframes the thunder: "And when the thunder rolls, there's no reason, to be afraid. That's Grandma sending you courage, and strength, helping you feel Indestructible." This reframing is powerful. It doesn't deny the thunder's existence or its intimidating power.
Instead, it changes the narrative. The thunder becomes a sign of connection and support, a source of strength sent from the loved one. By encouraging the child to "embrace the thunder," the book teaches them that facing these difficult feelings head-on, feeling them fully is where true resilience is found. It's within the storm that they discover their own strength, bolstered by the enduring love of the person they miss.
Allowing sadness also creates space for authentic healing. When children feel safe to express their grief in all its messy forms, the tears, the anger, the quiet withdrawal, they begin to process it. Bottling up emotions hinders this natural process. Validation allows the child to move through the grief, not around it.
It fosters emotional intelligence, teaching them that all feelings are part of the human experience and can be managed with support. It builds trust, showing the child that they can be their authentic selves, even in pain, with the adults who care for them.
Practical validation looks like presence and patience. It means sitting quietly with a crying child, offering a hug without demanding they stop. It means listening when they want to talk about their loved one, even if it makes us sad. It means reflecting on their feelings: "You seem really sad/mad/scared right now. That makes sense." It means resisting the urge to immediately offer solutions or silver linings and simply letting them know their feelings are heard and accepted.
Embracing the thunder is not about leaving children alone in their sadness. It is about accompanying them through it, offering unwavering support while respecting the necessity of the emotional storm. It is about trusting that, just as real storms pass and make way for sun and rainbows, allowing children to fully experience their grief is the path toward genuine healing and the eventual return of light. Matt Cary's book provides a compassionate framework for understanding this essential truth.
For parents, caregivers, and educators seeking to support grieving children authentically, Thunder Clouds and Rainbows by Matt Cary offers essential, gentle wisdom. Discover its powerful approach to validating difficult emotions.
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